Will I Or Won’t I? – The Importance of Putting Your Affairs in Order

A leading consumer watchdog estimated that 60% of people die without making a will. While nobody likes dwelling on the prospect of their own death for too long (or speaking to lawyers), without someone trained and qualified helping you make sure you have jumped through all the relevant legal hoops, your assets will be divided according to state or federal law instead of your own wishes – it is your money after all, so it’s best to bite the bullet and get down to making a will

Some things to remember:

∙Take Scrooge-like care when passing on your wealth to your children – it’s understandable that you don’t want to be stung by inheritance tax, but make sure the legal safeguards are in place.

∙Always seek impartial advice – sometimes even your bank manager can be an ally if you catch them in a good mood

∙Remember that life is for living – leave room in your budget for fun, otherwise there’s just no point in having spent all those years working hard

∙Don’t let money create a feud between you and your loved ones – personal relationships are far more precious than pounds

However there can be some fun in making a will you could, for instance, insert a couple of unusual conditions – you may as well leave the world laughing, how about these for inspiration...

Celebrity jokers:

∙Napoleon Bonaparte specified that he wanted his head shaved and his locks divided equally among his friends – I don’t know about you but I’m not sure I’ll have enough to go around!

∙Robert Louis Stevenson tried to leave his birthday to a friend who complained that being born at Christmas meant that she never go enough presents

For the kids:

∙in 1862 a man called Henry Budd left £200,000 ($325,000) in a trust for his two sons on the condition that neither of them ever grew a moustache

∙Edith S of Walsall left £50,000 ($80,000) to each of her three children with the proviso that it should not be wasted on “slow horses and fast women and only a very small amount of booze 

Very lucky pets:

∙if Forbes magazine produced a rich list for animals, then the top-dog would most certainly be German Shepherd, Gunther IV, who inherited £92 million ($150 million) from an eccentric German countess in 2000

∙personally, my least favourite, because of my admittedly incredibly irrational fear of cats, is Jonathan Jackson of Columbus, Ohio, who dedicated his estate to the creation of a cat house. The house reportedly came complete with custom-made bedrooms, and gym, a dining hall and a music room

Having that final word:

∙Anthony Scott included the following sharp-tongued sentiment in his will: “To my first wife Sue, whom I always promised to mention in my will. Hello Sue!”

Prices for wills can vary greatly, but if you don’t want to be too out of pocket there are a lot of deals to be found with a thorough search on the internet – these include “2 for 1” offers for you and your partner – also look out for charity-led schemes which offer the opportunity to make a will for a discounted fee – the proceeds of which are then fed back into the charity.

Next week I will be discussing Cyber Retirement Communities – Are we Silver Surfers?

Sex: The Grey Taboo

While conducting research for my book, “Great Retirement, Great Sex (How to Retire and Still Have a Great Sex Life),” I, of course, spoke to many older people about their sexual experiences after retirement. I found myself hearing the same thing time and time again: no matter how old we get, physical intimacy more often than not continues to be crucial in our relationships. 

The problem isn’t that boomers aren’t enjoying great sex lives, or really that they themselves feel ashamed to talk about it. Rather, it’s that their voices and the consideration of their needs are being drowned out and ignored by the misinformed general public. Younger generations tend to push the myth that sex stops dead at some arbitrary age (which subtly increases as they themselves age, of course). Sorry relative younglings, but death doesn’t have to stop dead until death itself stops it. Not if we don’t want it to. 

Sadly, the more I’ve researched, the more I’ve learned just how widely taboo the idea of sex in later life is. This scornful attitude towards “over-age” sex perseveres despite the studies showing that older people are enjoying more fulfilling sex lives now than ever before. 

For instance, a 2007 study led by Dr Stacy Tessler Lindau looked at the sex lives of 3005 US adults aged between 57 -85. It found that between half to three-quarter of the participants remained sexually active, with many of them enjoying frequent and varied sex. 

Sexual psychotherapist, Dr Ivor Felstein maintains that there is no fixed point at which sexual desire dissipates. The oldest couple he consulted who were openly positive about their sex life were aged 91 and 89 respectively. I myself have also met couples of similar ages who weren’t exactly prudes either!

Yet society chooses to block out this detail about one of the fastest growing demographics in the world today, denying them their right to speak freely about sex. This is a great shame, as I think opening up about our sex lives is one of the most liberating experiences that we can share. I’m not talking about forcing the gory details upon anyone who doesn’t want to hear them – aka our children, religious congregations, the chap who’s come to fix the boiler...

Rather I mean that you should make sure your partner understands your needs and that you shouldn’t feel you have to pretend celibacy in order to preserve the delicate sensibilities of the ignorant majority. After all, the words of Alfred Kinsey, “The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.”

Even nailing down the definition of “sex” can be difficult. I believe that the focus should be on emotional and physical closeness combined, including things such as paying your partner complements, kissing, holding hands, and just generally maintaining regular physical contact between you. Surprisingly traditional for me, I know, but there you go!

A 2011 study by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University gathered information about the sex lives of more than 1000 couples worldwide who had been together for at least 25 years. Couples were generally found to be happier the longer they had been together. Happiness was also higher in those who scored more highly on a sexual functioning questionnaire. Importantly, contrary to what you might think, this contact was predominantly described as “kissing and cuddling,” demonstrating the importance of intimacy in forming the foundation of our relationships. 

To enjoy a continuously deepening level of intimacy with your partner you have to draw on your bank of accumulated experience to enhance your play, rather than fall back on boring old habits. Above all, though, it’s really for both of you to decide what your definition of a satisfying sex life is. It should be about whatever you feel truly happy with. Sex is, after all, about enjoyment, especially when pregnancy is no longer a consideration. 

Next week I’ll be talking about going back to education in retirement. Rest assured, you most certainly can teach an old dog new tricks!

Your Perfect Retirement Picture

Bertrand Russell said that “To be able to fill leisure time intelligently is the last product of civilisation.” Lots of retirement books stress the importance of visualising the next phase of your life as a blank canvas with a palette of paints representing your various leisure activities, interests and commitments. I wouldn’t necessarily advise this, because it isn’t really like this at all.

You should, of course, already have some idea about your plans and your likes and dislikes. But you also shouldn’t be afraid to try new things that are out of your immediate comfort zone. 

Another way to think of your future is as a sliding tile puzzle and the end-picture as your perfect retirement. Half of the tiles are already filled with your current activities and the other half are like blank scrabble tiles. These ‘wild’ tiles, so to speak, can be filled in and moved around once you’ve begun to throw yourself into new things and find out what works for you.

It may be that your perfect picture is always shifting. That’s great. Many people find frequent change in retirement liberating after years of set routine. This new time gives you the freedom and autonomy to be spontaneous. 

If you feel like lying in when you wake up in the morning, you can. If you want to lounge around the house smoking cigars in nothing but a dragon-print kimono for a week, then I might question your taste in home casual-wear, but it’s still absolutely your call. 

What you do need to do is try to deal with the often unavoidable element of guilt that comes with your newfound liberty. Keep letting yourself know that you deserve this time, even if you have to say it out loud to yourself in the mirror!

I asked 30 retirees to try a quick word association exercise, writing down the words “work” and “leisure” in two columns and writing down their associations with each. The results revealed a surprising crossover. Words like “achievement,” “teamwork,” “responsibility,” “reward,” and “goals” appeared in both, as these are all integral to our feeling happy in whatever we are doing.

Whether it’s for work or leisure, the majority of people want to do whatever they’re doing well. However, years of nine to fiving has impressed upon us the idea that we’re somehow being lazy or unproductive if we’re not at a computer in a grey office building, drinking very bad coffee.

Activities in retirement that effectively satisfy the positive aspects of work (you know, the bits we actually miss) are the ones that will keep us fulfilled in the long term. So you may find that sleeping in and roaming around in a dressing gown can only provide relief for so long. Retirement is still a time for achievement. Though if you manage to truly relax during these activities despite the post-work guilt, you can definitely put this down as a win!

What you need is a healthy mix of interests. They can be easy or challenging; tried and tested or new and exciting. Just remember the words of John Lennon: “Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted.” 

Next week I’ll be not-so-tentatively broaching the subject of “Sex: The Grey Taboo.”

How Much Do Money Matters Really Matter?

In my new book, Great Retirement, Great Sex, I haven’t included much financial advice at all. Why? Well firstly, I’ve already written several books on business and this time around I wanted a real change. Also, any sections on pure finance would have proved pretty financially inefficient for me I think, as I would have needed to hire somebody to prod me with a stick every five minutes to stay awake. Mainly, however, it’s because Great Retirement is a self-help book geared at making you happy, and studies have shown that money isn’t nearly as significant a factor in overall happiness as you might think.

The American National Academy of Sciences published a survey of 341,000 people, which found that happiness takes a dip in early adulthood, rises in our forties (easily outstripping our earlier years) and peaks at 85!

It makes sense if you think about it. As we age, we mature, even while it seems like we’re just getting sillier! I actually think the ability to let go and be silly once in a while is a sign of maturity. In addition to this, we all know that the more time we spend with someone, the better we get to know them. This applies to ourselves too.  As we age we become more aware of and comfortable with our likes and dislikes. We know who our friends are, and frankly we just don't care as much what anyone else thinks of us anymore.

I think the feeling of liberation that comes from this is summed up well in these lines of Jenny Joseph’s poem, Warning:

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.

Of course, it’s not exactly a revelation that not having enough money can make people pretty miserable. After all, as Leo Rosten said, “Money can’t buy you happiness, but neither can poverty.” We’re all aware of the money troubles that can overshadow the freedom of finishing work. After all, they don’t call them your “golden years” because of the fortune retirement is likely to leave you with.

But being in the money hardly guarantees fulfillment either. In fact, it has the power to make you very miserable too if you let it.

Studies show that a person’s day-to-day happiness increases along with their income only up to approximately £50,000 ($80,000). After that it hits a flat rate, essentially showing that money can buy you happiness only up to the point where all your basic needs are cared for and your stress is minimised. After that you’re going to need something else for a pick-me-up.

That’s where things like community, personal interests, a positive attitude and sex come in. Sex never gets boring, it’s absolutely proven to make you happier and healthier, and best of all... it doesn’t cost a penny!

Studies can back me up again here. One published in 2004 by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that increasing their number of sexual encounters from once a month to once a week boost’s a person’s happiness by as much as a $50,000 (£31,000) pay rise. So this weekend stay in bed instead of heading to the bank – you’ll be glad you did!

Some financial planning is unavoidable if you want to make the most of your retirement without worry. But remember, happiness lies more in how you choose to use the money, especially if you use it to work on being a loving partner.

Next week here you can read about the importance of staying healthy as you age.

Retirement: A Dirty Word?

So why is it exactly that even a mention of the “R” word can have the power to strike fear into the heart of even the most positive soon-to-be-pensioner?

A quick look at some of the entries for “retirement” in the Oxford English Dictionary can give us a telling clue. I have to warn you, it’s not exactly heartening, but bear with me:

“the state or condition of living apart from society; seclusion; privacy”

“the act of leaving office, employment, or service permanently, now especially on reaching pensionable age. Also: the act of withdrawing permanently from one’s usual sphere of activity”

“(sport) a withdrawal from a race or match, esp. because of injury”

Yes, society’s widely held assumption seems to be that retirement necessarily entails indolence, loneliness, and above all an act of giving up. This is part of the popular pigeonholing of retirees that I spoke about last week. And as I’ve been saying, we need to fight these stereotypes and allow ourselves to enjoy life in retirement on our own terms.

See finishing work not as a withdrawal from a race, but the point at which you cross the finish line and wonder what to do next. Get back in another race! Or a football match, or pie-eating contest, or game of solitaire... I’m taking the metaphor a bit far here. What I’m trying to say is that your options are very varied.

You can nurture old passions, experiment with new ones and follow impulses. And if you find you’re not quite ready for full-time leisure just yet, don’t rule out the option of later returning to work. It’s surprising how much of the stress is lifted when it’s your choice to work entirely. You can engage in it in whatever capacity you like, and explore possible new callings. Every individual’s idea of retirement is different.

One thing is certain however – it’s a time of opportunity. You now have all the breathing space you need to think about exactly what you want this time to mean to you. You’re really in no hurry!

It’s all about remaining active and open-minded. Remember that no doors are closed to you. Below are a few examples of some truly inspiring retirees:

• In 2009 a 97-year-old sky-diver, George Moys, jumped from a height of 3048 metres with his grandson (and survived!)
• Professional weight-lifter and great grandma, Winifred Pristell, set two world records age 68, through bench pressing 176.2lb and dead lifting 270lb. She earned the nickname “heavy metal” and said soon after that the older she was getting the stronger she felt she was becoming
• The oldest first-grade student was a Chinese woman called Ma Xiuxian, who fulfilled her life’s ambition by starting school at the astounding age of 102!
• 84-year-old Anthony Smith recently embarked on an Atlantic voyage on a raft made of gas pipes in order to travel 2,800 miles. Best of all, according to the British paper The Daily Telegraph he named the vessel “An-Tiki” (geddit?)

I think the OED might have to give its definition of “retirement” a rethink. And we need to update that old cliché “life begins at forty,” because with years of healthy, active life and great sex ahead of us, life most definitely begins at retirement. This is not despite our age and situation, but exactly because of the freedom and experience they give us.

Next time I’ll be considering the role that money matters play in achieving retirement happiness and doing my best to convince you once again that positivity is really the most important factor.