While conducting
research for my book, “Great Retirement, Great Sex (How to Retire and Still
Have a Great Sex Life),” I, of course, spoke to many older people about their
sexual experiences after retirement. I found myself hearing the same thing time
and time again: no matter how old we get, physical intimacy more often than not
continues to be crucial in our relationships.
The problem
isn’t that boomers aren’t enjoying great sex lives, or really that they
themselves feel ashamed to talk about it. Rather, it’s that their voices and
the consideration of their needs are being drowned out and ignored by the
misinformed general public. Younger generations tend to push the myth that sex
stops dead at some arbitrary age (which subtly increases as they themselves
age, of course). Sorry relative younglings, but death doesn’t have to stop dead
until death itself stops it. Not if we don’t want it to.
Sadly, the
more I’ve researched, the more I’ve learned just how widely taboo the idea of
sex in later life is. This scornful attitude towards “over-age” sex perseveres
despite the studies showing that older people are enjoying more fulfilling sex
lives now than ever before.
For
instance, a 2007 study led by Dr Stacy Tessler Lindau looked at the sex lives
of 3005 US adults aged between 57 -85. It found that between half to
three-quarter of the participants remained sexually active, with many of them
enjoying frequent and varied sex.
Sexual
psychotherapist, Dr Ivor Felstein maintains that there is no fixed point at
which sexual desire dissipates. The oldest couple he consulted who were openly
positive about their sex life were aged 91 and 89 respectively. I myself have
also met couples of similar ages who weren’t exactly prudes either!
Yet society
chooses to block out this detail about one of the fastest growing demographics
in the world today, denying them their right to speak freely about sex. This is
a great shame, as I think opening up about our sex lives is one of the most
liberating experiences that we can share. I’m not talking about forcing the
gory details upon anyone who doesn’t want to hear them – aka our children,
religious congregations, the chap who’s come to fix the boiler...
Rather I
mean that you should make sure your partner understands your needs and that you
shouldn’t feel you have to pretend celibacy in order to preserve the delicate
sensibilities of the ignorant majority. After all, the words of Alfred Kinsey,
“The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.”
Even nailing
down the definition of “sex” can be difficult. I believe that the focus should
be on emotional and physical closeness combined, including things such as
paying your partner complements, kissing, holding hands, and just generally
maintaining regular physical contact between you. Surprisingly traditional for
me, I know, but there you go!
A 2011 study
by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University gathered information about the
sex lives of more than 1000 couples worldwide who had been together for at
least 25 years. Couples were generally found to be happier the longer they had
been together. Happiness was also higher in those who scored more highly on a
sexual functioning questionnaire. Importantly, contrary to what you might
think, this contact was predominantly described as “kissing and cuddling,”
demonstrating the importance of intimacy in forming the foundation of our
relationships.
To enjoy a
continuously deepening level of intimacy with your partner you have to draw on
your bank of accumulated experience to enhance your play, rather than fall back
on boring old habits. Above all, though, it’s really for both of you to decide what
your definition of a satisfying sex life is. It should be about whatever you
feel truly happy with. Sex is, after all, about enjoyment, especially when
pregnancy is no longer a consideration.
Next week
I’ll be talking about going back to education in retirement. Rest assured, you
most certainly can teach an old dog new tricks!
