Dating and the Digital Age

Singledom is increasingly prevalent among Baby Boomers where the divorce rate is soaring faster than a banker’s blood pressure. But there are a few undeniable perks of single-life, namely: freedom, peace and quiet, financial savings and not having to worry about your partner no longer finding you attractive. Many retirees who found love in later-life told me they felt stunted by a fear of failure or an inability to let go of the emotional baggage from a previous relationship. 

If your relationship ended shortly after hitting retirement, or you have been affected by the loss of a spouse, you will need time to heal; exactly how long is entirely down to you. You may have friends trying to ‘help’ by trying to set you up with friends or encouraging you to meet new people – but don’t rush yourself, wait until you are ready. In the wise words of modern sage and lead-singer of The Supremes, Diana Ross: “you can’t hurry love/no, you just have to wait.”

“Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?” – Jerry Seinfeld.

My wife first knew me as young and skinny Larry moving into slightly older fatter Larry right through to jobless fat Larry and now – I might add – a slightly thinner Larry, with a mysteriously thicker head of hair. The journey you take together as a couple means that you let your defences down gradually over the years. It is natural to feel vulnerable both physically and emotionally after deciding to get back into dating. There is no shame in admitting this to yourself, or to your date; just don’t make it the sole subject of conversation otherwise you won’t have to worry about things going any further. 

One woman I know pulled down her blouse and said “if you can stand this then fine” – an unconventional, risqué and somewhat disturbing tactic, but it got things off to a flying start as you might expect. They ended up dating for a couple of months – not that I’m advocating flashing as an acceptable way to attract a prospective partner. Just don’t rule it out. 

REMEMBER: Although memories make you who you are, your past shouldn’t define your attitude in the present – don’t let guilt or fear get in the way of your future happiness.

Will I Or Won’t I? – The Importance of Putting Your Affairs in Order

A leading consumer watchdog estimated that 60% of people die without making a will. While nobody likes dwelling on the prospect of their own death for too long (or speaking to lawyers), without someone trained and qualified helping you make sure you have jumped through all the relevant legal hoops, your assets will be divided according to state or federal law instead of your own wishes – it is your money after all, so it’s best to bite the bullet and get down to making a will

Some things to remember:

∙Take Scrooge-like care when passing on your wealth to your children – it’s understandable that you don’t want to be stung by inheritance tax, but make sure the legal safeguards are in place.

∙Always seek impartial advice – sometimes even your bank manager can be an ally if you catch them in a good mood

∙Remember that life is for living – leave room in your budget for fun, otherwise there’s just no point in having spent all those years working hard

∙Don’t let money create a feud between you and your loved ones – personal relationships are far more precious than pounds

However there can be some fun in making a will you could, for instance, insert a couple of unusual conditions – you may as well leave the world laughing, how about these for inspiration...

Celebrity jokers:

∙Napoleon Bonaparte specified that he wanted his head shaved and his locks divided equally among his friends – I don’t know about you but I’m not sure I’ll have enough to go around!

∙Robert Louis Stevenson tried to leave his birthday to a friend who complained that being born at Christmas meant that she never go enough presents

For the kids:

∙in 1862 a man called Henry Budd left £200,000 ($325,000) in a trust for his two sons on the condition that neither of them ever grew a moustache

∙Edith S of Walsall left £50,000 ($80,000) to each of her three children with the proviso that it should not be wasted on “slow horses and fast women and only a very small amount of booze 

Very lucky pets:

∙if Forbes magazine produced a rich list for animals, then the top-dog would most certainly be German Shepherd, Gunther IV, who inherited £92 million ($150 million) from an eccentric German countess in 2000

∙personally, my least favourite, because of my admittedly incredibly irrational fear of cats, is Jonathan Jackson of Columbus, Ohio, who dedicated his estate to the creation of a cat house. The house reportedly came complete with custom-made bedrooms, and gym, a dining hall and a music room

Having that final word:

∙Anthony Scott included the following sharp-tongued sentiment in his will: “To my first wife Sue, whom I always promised to mention in my will. Hello Sue!”

Prices for wills can vary greatly, but if you don’t want to be too out of pocket there are a lot of deals to be found with a thorough search on the internet – these include “2 for 1” offers for you and your partner – also look out for charity-led schemes which offer the opportunity to make a will for a discounted fee – the proceeds of which are then fed back into the charity.

Next week I will be discussing Cyber Retirement Communities – Are we Silver Surfers?

Education: You Can Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

If you find yourself craving direction, focus and self-discipline in a context outside of the workplace, why not try dipping a toe back into education?

Even if you hated academia when you were young, it may well be rewarding to try again. A lot of the stress is removed when you’re studying by choice with no obligation to continue if you don’t enjoy it. And if you’ll allow me to get a little bit classical for a moment, once you give it a try you may end up thinking along the same lines as Seneca: ‘Retirement without the love of letters is a living burial.’

While conducting research for ‘Great Retirement, Great Sex,’ I interviewed Peter, who told me about his initially very difficult experiences of sudden retirement. Peter had worked for thirty years as a warehouse operative for a large retailer where he drove a mini-fork-lift, unloaded deliveries and unpacked boxes.

‘I turned down the move up to supervisor more times than I can remember.’ He always exceeded his targets and liked being exactly where he was.

But everything changed after an accident at work caused Peter to slip a disc and put him out of action in the business for good. He received more than £200,000 pounds in compensation. ‘I had to have a couple of operations privately and still might have to have another one. I don’t know how the wife has put up with it.’

Peter and his wife, Jane, preferred to be interviewed separately. Jane shed a lot of light on just how deeply Peter’s sudden change of circumstances had affected him. ‘He was popular, played darts in a local league and was always the comedian in the crowd, but after the incident his personality changed overnight. He would sit around the house and go quiet...’

He agreed he hadn’t exactly been at his most chipper after the accident, but turned the focus to the sudden change in outlook that occurred for him on the penultimate night of a surprise vacation to Andalusia that Jane had booked.

While unloading his troubles to a man named Geoff that he’d met at the bar that night, he began to view his prospects differently. Geoff provided the practical suggestion that Peter take some kind of course. Realising that he was so miserable he had to try something, Peter decided to give it a go.

 He enrolled on an engineering night class and despite having been ‘kicked out of more subjects than I passed at school’ found himself picking it up with ease.

He says that everything is different now: ‘after taking a few computer classes I decided that I wanted to try and get an engineering degree from the Open University. I would never have dreamed of doing something like that before, and I can tell you, I’ve had some funny looks when I tell people but it turns out that I’m not quite as hopeless as I thought.’

Whether you’re interested in returning to education to get some letters after your name or just to learn about a subject that has always interested you, there are several options:

The Open University offers 600 university-level courses in more than 60 subjects and you can distance learn from the comfort of your own home. The learning environment is a social platform too, through which you can make like-minded friends through joining online study groups.

If it’s actually predominantly the community element you’re attracted to, then the University of the Third Age could be for you. Yes, it may sound like a sinister new age cult, but it’s actually a great organisation made up of individual learning cooperatives around the UK. It offers a total of 300 subjects in fields such as art, life sciences, computing, and even walking.

There are a huge number of over 60s reaping the benefits of learning in later life. Decades of full-time work can lead to mature students having a more disciplined work ethic than others, so you could say now is the best time to learn!

The topic of my blog next week will be (don’t get too excited) the importance of putting your mind at ease by writing a will. It can be more fun than you think!

Your Perfect Retirement Picture

Bertrand Russell said that “To be able to fill leisure time intelligently is the last product of civilisation.” Lots of retirement books stress the importance of visualising the next phase of your life as a blank canvas with a palette of paints representing your various leisure activities, interests and commitments. I wouldn’t necessarily advise this, because it isn’t really like this at all.

You should, of course, already have some idea about your plans and your likes and dislikes. But you also shouldn’t be afraid to try new things that are out of your immediate comfort zone. 

Another way to think of your future is as a sliding tile puzzle and the end-picture as your perfect retirement. Half of the tiles are already filled with your current activities and the other half are like blank scrabble tiles. These ‘wild’ tiles, so to speak, can be filled in and moved around once you’ve begun to throw yourself into new things and find out what works for you.

It may be that your perfect picture is always shifting. That’s great. Many people find frequent change in retirement liberating after years of set routine. This new time gives you the freedom and autonomy to be spontaneous. 

If you feel like lying in when you wake up in the morning, you can. If you want to lounge around the house smoking cigars in nothing but a dragon-print kimono for a week, then I might question your taste in home casual-wear, but it’s still absolutely your call. 

What you do need to do is try to deal with the often unavoidable element of guilt that comes with your newfound liberty. Keep letting yourself know that you deserve this time, even if you have to say it out loud to yourself in the mirror!

I asked 30 retirees to try a quick word association exercise, writing down the words “work” and “leisure” in two columns and writing down their associations with each. The results revealed a surprising crossover. Words like “achievement,” “teamwork,” “responsibility,” “reward,” and “goals” appeared in both, as these are all integral to our feeling happy in whatever we are doing.

Whether it’s for work or leisure, the majority of people want to do whatever they’re doing well. However, years of nine to fiving has impressed upon us the idea that we’re somehow being lazy or unproductive if we’re not at a computer in a grey office building, drinking very bad coffee.

Activities in retirement that effectively satisfy the positive aspects of work (you know, the bits we actually miss) are the ones that will keep us fulfilled in the long term. So you may find that sleeping in and roaming around in a dressing gown can only provide relief for so long. Retirement is still a time for achievement. Though if you manage to truly relax during these activities despite the post-work guilt, you can definitely put this down as a win!

What you need is a healthy mix of interests. They can be easy or challenging; tried and tested or new and exciting. Just remember the words of John Lennon: “Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted.” 

Next week I’ll be not-so-tentatively broaching the subject of “Sex: The Grey Taboo.”

The Importance of Health in Retirement

A 2005 study of retirement on lifestyle choices in relation to weight change, led by Dr Astrid CJ Nooyens, showed that those retiring from active jobs tended to gain more weight than their unretired colleagues. Meanwhile, people leaving less active roles lost more weight. Clearly, when you retire, you need to take some time to re-evaluate your energy intake and exercise program to fit in with your new lifestyle. 

The meaning of “good health” isn’t as straightforward as you might think. Our bodies are in a constant state of flux.  Immediately after you leave the doctors, you could develop a problem that would have been detected ten seconds previously! 

But don’t let this make you anxious – considering how much psychology influences health, anxious is actually the last thing you should let yourself be! Just consistently follow some common sense principles and remember to look left and right before crossing the road.

Here are some very predictable, but absolutely crucial basic health tips to get you started:

∙First and foremost, don’t underestimate the impact of your mindset on the overall quality of your life. Staying optimistic will have discernable positive physiological effects.

∙If at first you don’t succeed, quit and quit again... STOP SMOKING! The benefits of quitting are enormous at any age. Some of these are immediate, such as breathing easier, sleeping better and feeling more energetic. And of course we all know that it prolongs your life by reducing the risk of cancer and heart disease. It’s also one of the best things you can do for your sex life!

∙Watch your booze intake. The stress that comes with retirement can lead to hitting the bottle more than is good for you. Because retires often drink at home, they may not realise how much they put away each week, and this can be disastrous for both your health and your sexual ability. If a woman drinks too much she will become temporarily anorgasmic – but if the man has done the same then this won’t be much of an issue anyway.  

∙Eating well helps you lose weight much better than starving yourself. Not eating slows down your metabolism, causing you to burn calories slower than in a well-regulated, nutritious eating program.

∙Find excuses to exercise. Get a dog, or get off the bus several stops earlier than normal and walk home. Seemingly insignificant lifestyle choices like choosing the stairs over the lift soon add up to better health in general. 

∙Remember to consult a health professional before starting any exercise regime if you’ve been out of the game for long. And, in general, make sure you have regular checkups with your doctor. It’s normal to feel scared before medical appointments. Stickers and sweets in surgeries shouldn’t just be for children, because however old you get the anticipation doesn’t get much easier. But the more routinely you go, the less likely they’ll find anything for you to be scared about. Remember that in the majority of cases, even serious things are fixable. 

∙Finally, as if you needed an excuse, have sex! A Chicago University study found that those who had sex more often in later life rated their health more highly. While they still don’t know whether participants had sex more often because they were healthier, or healthier because they had more sex, the evidence points to a mutually beneficial link. That’s good enough for me!

You can add years to your life with a tiny bit of effort. This doesn’t mean obsessing over diet fads and imagining every blemish is the beginning of the end. Just stay mindful of your own well-being and remember you’re entitled to feel happy as well as healthy. 

As happiness guru, Professor Ed Deiner says: “Current health recommendations focus on four things: avoid obesity, eat right, don’t smoke, and exercise. It may be time to add ‘be happy and avoid chronic anger and depression to the list.’” Wise words, Ed. Leave room for levity in your food and exercise programs. 

Next time I’ll be talking about how to create your perfect retirement picture – your achievable happiness framework.

Retirement: A Dirty Word?

So why is it exactly that even a mention of the “R” word can have the power to strike fear into the heart of even the most positive soon-to-be-pensioner?

A quick look at some of the entries for “retirement” in the Oxford English Dictionary can give us a telling clue. I have to warn you, it’s not exactly heartening, but bear with me:

“the state or condition of living apart from society; seclusion; privacy”

“the act of leaving office, employment, or service permanently, now especially on reaching pensionable age. Also: the act of withdrawing permanently from one’s usual sphere of activity”

“(sport) a withdrawal from a race or match, esp. because of injury”

Yes, society’s widely held assumption seems to be that retirement necessarily entails indolence, loneliness, and above all an act of giving up. This is part of the popular pigeonholing of retirees that I spoke about last week. And as I’ve been saying, we need to fight these stereotypes and allow ourselves to enjoy life in retirement on our own terms.

See finishing work not as a withdrawal from a race, but the point at which you cross the finish line and wonder what to do next. Get back in another race! Or a football match, or pie-eating contest, or game of solitaire... I’m taking the metaphor a bit far here. What I’m trying to say is that your options are very varied.

You can nurture old passions, experiment with new ones and follow impulses. And if you find you’re not quite ready for full-time leisure just yet, don’t rule out the option of later returning to work. It’s surprising how much of the stress is lifted when it’s your choice to work entirely. You can engage in it in whatever capacity you like, and explore possible new callings. Every individual’s idea of retirement is different.

One thing is certain however – it’s a time of opportunity. You now have all the breathing space you need to think about exactly what you want this time to mean to you. You’re really in no hurry!

It’s all about remaining active and open-minded. Remember that no doors are closed to you. Below are a few examples of some truly inspiring retirees:

• In 2009 a 97-year-old sky-diver, George Moys, jumped from a height of 3048 metres with his grandson (and survived!)
• Professional weight-lifter and great grandma, Winifred Pristell, set two world records age 68, through bench pressing 176.2lb and dead lifting 270lb. She earned the nickname “heavy metal” and said soon after that the older she was getting the stronger she felt she was becoming
• The oldest first-grade student was a Chinese woman called Ma Xiuxian, who fulfilled her life’s ambition by starting school at the astounding age of 102!
• 84-year-old Anthony Smith recently embarked on an Atlantic voyage on a raft made of gas pipes in order to travel 2,800 miles. Best of all, according to the British paper The Daily Telegraph he named the vessel “An-Tiki” (geddit?)

I think the OED might have to give its definition of “retirement” a rethink. And we need to update that old cliché “life begins at forty,” because with years of healthy, active life and great sex ahead of us, life most definitely begins at retirement. This is not despite our age and situation, but exactly because of the freedom and experience they give us.

Next time I’ll be considering the role that money matters play in achieving retirement happiness and doing my best to convince you once again that positivity is really the most important factor.